


What Could Have Been

by TheLizardWriter



Category: Pocket Monsters SPECIAL | Pokemon Adventures, Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Depression, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Everything, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 08:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11573853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLizardWriter/pseuds/TheLizardWriter
Summary: Silver always pushed Gold away, and it wasn't until after he was gone that Silver realized the error of his ways. This is the story of Silver's struggle to cope with the loss of Gold.





	What Could Have Been

Day 3

“Someone once told me that if I lived by pushing everything away, I wouldn’t be able to recognize the good in my life until it was too far gone for me to retrieve it. I responded by telling him to fuck off. I told him that I didn’t need him trying to mess with my mind. I was wrong.

That boy is gone now, and his words ring true in my ears. I always called him a nuisance. I told him he was annoying and that I wanted nothing to do with him. I desperately fought to rid myself of his presence for quite some time, only accepting him as a friend in his later years.  
The last time I saw him, the last time anyone saw him, he said he didn’t think that’d he’d be making it back alive. He… He kissed me and told me that he wanted me to know that he’d loved me for quite some time. I responded by… Well, I responded by cursing at him again. I pushed him away, acted like I still hated him. I told him he was stupid, that he’d be back. He always came back. I thought he was invincible. He wasn’t. None of us are.

Now, as we all gathered here to… To throw his body into the ground for the rest of eternity, I am filled with regrets. I long to tell him that he was right. I pushed him away for much too long, and now he’s gone and I will never be able to tell him that I love him too. Goodbye, Gold. You will be missed.” I hung my head low as I walked back to my seat, not wanting any of the others who were present to see the tears which I could no longer stop from streaming down my face.

A few people applauded, but I couldn’t care less what they thought of my speech. I only cared what Gold would think, but I would never get his input on any of my thoughts again. I would never get to see that grin of his as he attempted to correct me in my poor social skills. I always snapped at him when he’d try to help me, but now I didn’t have anyone to try to push through to the real me.

“That was beautiful, Silver,” a voice floated gently into my ears as I collapsed into my chair. I turned slightly to the side to catch a glance of Crystal through my hair, which had fallen over my eyes.

“It wasn’t,” I responded, not nearly as delicately as her. Instead, my words were laced with a sob and a hint of anger. “Nothing is without him.”

“I know it’s hard, but it’ll get easier with time,” she spoke quietly, tears gracing her eyes gently, but I couldn’t help but be outraged by the fact that she wasn’t even mourning. Gold was dead and she was busy lecturing me on how it would be okay?

“Shut the fuck up,” I yelled in response before whispering, “It won’t ever get better.”

Day 5  
I had nowhere to go after he was gone. I had been staying with him for the past few months, sleeping in his guest bedroom. I couldn't stand to go back to the house which we once shared. Instead of sharing it with him, I’d simply be sharing it with his broken mother and the lack of a peppy teenager. As a result, the past two nights, I simply slept outside in the underbrush. It didn’t bother me to sleep like that. It was as if it were before I ever met him.

However, I still had met him, and for it, my life would never be the same. My nights spent sleeping under the stars no longer filled me with wonder, as I was seeing the world in full after spending my childhood in captivity. Instead, I was filled with a never ending dread.

My dreams were haunted by him. They were haunted both by the moment I knew he was gone and by the first time I thought he was dead, which constantly resurfaced. Green was ready to arrest me, but Gold stopped him, all the while proving he wasn’t dead. It felt like he was invincible. He proved that he couldn’t die from a simple circumstance in which any mortal should have died. I refused to allow him the relief of knowing I had cried for him. I just kept pushing and pushing, hoping he would leave me alone.

I’d never have to hope that again.

Day 10

Blue must have called a million times. I refused to move from my spot which I had sought out in the Ilex Forest. Sneasel forced me to eat, but other than for her, I lay motionless on the ground all day, wondering if there was some way I could have saved him. If only I was a better person, he might still be around.

I was out of tears, but the pain continued on and on.

Day 11

Yellow found me today. I guess Blue sent her out to ask the wild Pokemon about me. Leave it to Blue to know where I’d be hiding away. She always knew me best. Other than Gold, that is.

I didn’t want to leave with Yellow, but once Blue and Green showed up, I had no choice. They dragged my lifeless body out of the forest, all the while worrying about the fact that I simply would not answer them. I saw no need for words without the boy I loved in my life. I was broken and I would stay as such.

Day 18

Despite the fact that I was already irreversibly broken, Blue’s dejection over my silence was beginning to shatter my heart even further. I managed to speak a couple words, simply to appease my sister. She didn’t deserve to hurt for me on top of Gold.

She was overjoyed by the fact that I spoke, despite the fact that I had simply muttered her name. I wished that it was Gold attempting to force me to speak, but he would never force me to do anything again. I never thought I would miss his pushy nature, but I did and there was no way for me to regain it.

Day 20

“Silver, you have to eat,” Blue called to me from the kitchen. I could smell some sort of aroma drifting out of the room she was in, but nothing smelled appetizing to me anymore. Nothing felt even the slightest bit meaningful in my life except her company.

The other Dex Holders kept visiting me, bringing me casseroles and gifts. All of it was useless. None of it could bring Gold back. I began to wish that I were the one who had died instead. I haven’t the slightest clue why the thought hadn’t crossed my mind previously, but once I thought it the first time, it latched onto my other thoughts like the plague.

Day 25

Blue has been absolutely frantic with me. She keeps begging me to speak to her more, but I can’t bring myself to do anything but lay in bed and wish I still had tears left over enough to cry. I couldn’t sleep, as my dreams were never empty of the moment he died. I couldn’t get up, as my legs were jelly after a few minutes no matter how many times I tried. I saved my energy to get up when I had to, and simply stayed in bed the rest of the time.

I thought today that I might be able to be with him again if I were to die as well, but I didn’t think I’d be able to do that to Blue.

Day 30

I didn’t think I’d be able to do it to Blue, but honestly, suicide didn’t seem too hard anymore. There were so many ways I could do it, and to be honest, all of them were beginning to sound way too tempting. I wasn’t even sure I’d make it to the next day.

Day 31

Dear Blue,

If you’re reading this, then that means you found me dead or dying when you came back from work. Please don’t try to save me. I don’t want to live in this world any longer. I can’t be happy without Gold. I have nothing to live for, except you, but I simply cannot deal with the pain of causing Gold’s death any longer.

With Love,  
Silver

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if I should continue this and give it a happy ending or simply leave it as it and have this be the end. If anyone wants it to continue, I will continue it.


End file.
